To The Doctor Who Saved My Father’s Life,
I can’t refer to you by name because I never actually met you. But the nurses have assured me you are indeed real, and a very busy, trust-funded, white man. While I’m sure you’re used to praise for your “lifesaving” treatments, I, on the other hand, have only one question for you: What the hell have you done to my father?
In case you have no recollection which ‘my father’ I am referring to— as I’m certain you perform miracles daily on 60-something, tire-fat guys who see exercise as a punishment for having the garage too far away from their houses—let me jog your memory a bit. Mine is the one you ruined by saving. Okay, I get it. I sound ungrateful. Fair. I mean, you probably have women showing up on your doorstep all of the time with their fresh cherry pies and paternity tests, thanking you for freezing their omelettes. Old men with Portland, Maine accents that sound slightly British from watching Downton Abbey marathons probably take you to their golf clubs, standing in awe as you recount that same story over and over again (the one where you were in surgery for 19 hours separating a set of 7 year-old conjoined triplets with cleft lips, who had fallen out of a hot air balloon while escaping their torrid lives in Greenland). The chaps might glibly laugh that the triplets were, all three, probably Democrats, anyway.
“Well, it’s not for me to judge,” you would say with a chuckle, your e-cigarette pinching the left buttock in your back pocket.
Yes, doctor, you angel of a man, did save my father’s life. His quadruple bypass surgery was textbook, and the sternum infection that developed soon after had nothing at all to do with your care. In fact, your hospital has assured our lawyers and their lawyers’ lawyers it had nothing at all to do with the diet of canned pineapple squares and microwave fish sticks your hospital fed him daily, either—all gluten free. That infection also surely didn’t manifest itself because you forgot your Class of 1983 graduation ring in my father’s gaping chest cavity where it grew a tail. Nope, my father’s infection was all of his own doing. The dirty rogue deserved his punishment. The real problem, however, is that yesterday my father told me he loved me.
“Well, that’s splendid,” you might say.
No sir, it certainly is not. My father is an asshole. When I was born he tried to name me ‘Bud Light’ just to win a $20 bet with his AA group. Before you came along, he smoked three packs a day—more on weekends, less when sleeping, all inside the house. As a kid, he taught me to ride my bike by chasing me down the road in his truck yelling, “do or die, duck legs!” He fried his vegetables in bacon fat because he thought it made his skin shinier. He killed my pet pig, Hammie, so he could fry his vegetables in bacon fat. When my brother brought his vegan girlfriend over for Easter, my father poured steak blood into her mashed potatoes. She’s a vegan, I reminded him. “No, she’s just autistic,” he said.
Still not convinced? On our school break when other kids were going to Disneyland with their fathers, Dad took us to the local carwash and told my baby brother to open the door to find the secret waterslide. He asked my first ever girlfriend if her third-wave feminism was simply a yet-to-be-diagnosed STD. But I knew he was a changed man the second my father woke up alive.
My first clue? He asked to see all four of us children. Before his surgery, my father was pretty sure my sister and I were the same person, and that my mother had walked by a pair of old pants to get pregnant with my middle brother. Now he actually calls us by name. Like last week when I popped over to mow the lawn, Dad stood in the driveway like he was Gwyneth Paltrow getting her Oscar.
“Thank you, Polly. Thank you so much. Yes, your father is a crier now.”
Then he actually hugged me. I’m sorry, but what?
Can I tell you the worst of it, though? Since you screwed around with his heart, my father has decided he’s in love with my mother again. Us kids have watched their tortured marriage for decades and have actually bought each of them divorce lawyers on three separate Christmases. He has taken her for granted like a rock star for 42 years. Now he pops into her bedroom at night, “just to see if she needs anything.” My mother is terrified! We all are. We don’t know this man.
You told us his recovery time would be a few weeks. You warned us that he might have some stiffness in his chest from the incision. He might need a bed pan. We got that. But you never told us our father would disappear.
Maybe it’s the drugs you have him on? I do get the medication logic you sent via that animated video presentation: the pain of heart surgery warrants barbiturates, which cause stomach ulcers that require anti-nausea aids, which cause gas and verbal diarrhea, which both require sleep-aids, which cause sleepwalking and anxiety, which makes way for blood pressure stabilizers, iron enhancements, and potassium boosters. Add the Viagra that came for free, the antibiotics for the MSRA superbug he picked up in the gift shop, the uppers to help his mood and then the downers to cancel out the uppers–because no one likes someone who is too happy–and he’s covered. But I’m worried. The blogs say that anaesthetic can effect a patient’s mental function making them irritable, angry, or bitter. I could only wish! What happens if that’s the way my father always was? What are we left with when that’s stolen? I’ll tell you what: a well-adjusted man who writes haikus about birds and has taken up life drawing. A man who has three copies of The Shack on his bookshelf. A man who watches Touched By An Angel on syndication. A man who keeps a poop journal. Just now, I overheard him talking to his spirit animal.
I’m sorry if you fail to see my upset but if I wanted a father who loved me unconditionally I’d watch episodes of Full House. As you can see you have done our family a grave disservice. We sent my father into surgery a repressed, misogynist jerk, and we fully expected him to come out that way, or not at all. Please reverse these changes immediately. Maybe he needs a wolf’s pancreas or a boar’s stomach? Whatever. Just fix it. Because who wants a nice dad? No one.
Sincerely,
Angry Offspring
newdaynewmood 
Powerful read. Good use of humor with drama, I enjoyed it!
thank you so much!
Oh my God this is so wrong and painful and wonderfully fabulous, I LOVE it.
Thank you! I’m so glad!!! I love this comment!
I think this qualifies as black humour, and I can’t offer anything near as witty as the words on this page, but just wanted to tell you how entertaining you are – although, I have a feeling, you already know.
thank you so much. I really appreciate it. Writing satire keeps me somewhat sane so thank you for taking the time to read and let me know you liked it 🙂
Congratulations
thank you so much!
Woah woah. I cant sense if you are actually greatful or trying to be sarcastic. Either way, I had a good laugh reading this. I’m a student nurse, by the way. Yes, I agree, sometimes bad health or having a near brush with that changes human behavior, mostly for the better.
Thanks so much for reading. I hope school goes well. Being a nurse has got to be one of the hardest jobs. Much respect. I was being sarcastic and cranky and thankful all at the same time! 🙂
Your feelings some through very clear. Well written.
My same reaction
Well done!
thank you so much!
Nice piece
thank you so much for reading it!
Thank you for such an amazing journey
Do you mind taking a look my posts. Thankyou. X
I love your blogs.😊
I’d love to.
Nice
thank you so much!
Nice
I really enjoyed reading this 🙂 I have no idea what to make of it (trying to figure it out in my head but also unsure if I actually need to make sense of it) but I’m smiling either way.
Thank you so much! I’m so glad you liked it and smiled because that’s what I wanted!
This is soooo great :’)
thank you so much Caryn Leigh! I’m glad you liked it.
beautifully written
Thanks so much! It was a hard time in my life made much better with some humour about the situation. 🙂
of course not! I wanted him to live, but it’s a satirical piece!
I feel like such an idiot right now. Nevertheless, It was quite an interesting and engaging piece of writing…
thanks!
No problem 🙂 Continue writing like that and you’ll be major!
Very nice
thank you so much!
Ur always welcome dear i keep reading it all over again.
I love it. It has deep meaning 😉 and it touch me
No one wants a nice dad ?:))
I don’t think I’ve read anything quite so brilliant in ages! Amazing read, refreshingly funny.
Wow, thank you so much!! 🙂
💕💕
🙂
Enjoyed this! Thanks 🙂
Thank you so much for reading! 🙂
🙂
Thanks! 🙂
This is one of my favourite things ever.
Wow, this is such an awesome comment. Thank you!
I enjoyed this post so much, and I love your approach in writing it. Incredible read!
Thanks so much! Really appreciated!
I loved reading this!
thanks so much!
This would be how my grandpa would be hahaha! I really enjoyed this.
Thanks so much! I love that your grandpa would be the same!
I would love to meet this doctor. My folks could do with his expertise.
Until reading the comments I was unsure whether to laugh at you, or with you. So I clicked on the comments and have discovered not only are you a brilliant writer/blogger but you are also dangerously funny.
thank you so much for this comment. Dangerously funny is the best compliment I could get. You made my weekend!
Its amazing
that’s super kind, thank you.
Great title. Best plot twist I’ve read in a long time. I am looking forward fervently to the sequel of this, really. Haha! 🙂
Ha ha! Thank you! It’s coming! 🙂
So darkly funny and just a fantastic read!
Thanks so much! I’m glad you smiled 🙂
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thank you so much for the share and the kind support. Means much!
My dear old grouchy disinterested Dad is due a minor heart procedure in the not too distant future. I now live in hope 😉 Enjoyed the read – Thanks.
Ugh, I’m so sorry to hear that and let’s hope he doesn’t get my dad’s shitty luck 😉 If you can, and I’m sure you can, make him laugh as much as possible. And Horror films in the hospital seemed to work because everyone else left (scared or annoyed) and gave me quality time with my Pops! Good luck and thanks for reading. It will be all ok. Just tell him to stay away from microwave fish sticks.
thank you
Fantastic blog
Good luck to you
——————————–
http://www.apkfrog.com
thanks for checking it out!
Open letter? Sounds pretty good to me.
🙂
have a look through my blog. spread the word. thank you.
Amazing letter, very sweet indeed 😉
thanks tons!
Ok, I have to admit I was a bit confused at the beginning.
That’s cool. I’m glad you read it though. Hope it became clearer as a satire as it went on. 🙂
Reblogged this on sakshamchopra3blog.
so awesome! Thanks so much for the kind support!
It made my feel sad and laugh at the same time. Great text!
When I wrote it I wasn’t sure if I should be crying or laughing or both. Thanks for this! 🙂
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Thank you so much for the support! It is so appreciated! 🙂
I loved reading this. Everyone in the room wondered why I was smiling at my phone. It’s made my day. I’ve just started writing blogs on here. I don’t know how to make people see them though. Anyway, thank you for the smiles 🙂
That is such a lovely comment. thank you so much! I’ll check your blog out! 🙂
Crikey mines nowhere near as well written as yours. I think I perhaps need to rethink how I’m writing it (or trying to lol )
hello 🙂 I’d like to visit your blog too! can I have a link to it?
sure! here it is and thanks! http://newdaynewmood.com
your writing is interesting… intriguing to be honest…
🙂
Mine is birthparentblog.wordpress.com x
beautifully realistic 😏https://poetessdeeblog.wordpress.com/
ha ha! Thank you!
Wow…. Nice
really appreciate it!
Hey this is an awesome write… just loved your blog..
I’ll be obliged if you pay a visit to my 1st blog and honor it vid your precious feedback.
Love,
Anshul
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You made my day! Thank you so much for the support! 🙂
Brilliant!
thanks so much!
Amazing😄
thank you! Glad you liked it!
Reblogged this on Elrincondelgato161.
thank you so much for the support!
Really enjoyed reading this. Good work!
thank you so much!
This was really amazing!!! Great! Im speechless! 😇
This is a brilliant piece,, i was confused initially, it is very good..
Who needed such a fabulous post? No one!!
sorry you didn’t like it! but thanks for reading anyway.
Oh! That was a satirical comment and you din get it..my bad! Did you not see that I mentioned your post as a fabulous one? 😁😁
thanks for the clear up! Appreciate it! 🙂
As I went by this whole blog not even once did i waver away from it.It totally kept me arrested in its charm.Amazingly devilish and great humor. I LOVED IT
thank you so much! 🙂
What an amazing thing to say! Thanks so much. 🙂
OMG is fabulous. Si quieren un blog genial sobre cuentos e historias, aquí les dejo uno https://dearwalkirya.wordpress.com/
Not a misplaced word…anywhere!
That’s so awesome of you to say. thanks!
Great read. I’m impressed with your satirical outlook and bringing the humor in a humorless situation to the attention of readers. Having the audience wonder whether you are serious or sarcastic is a difficult skill to master, and I think you nailed it with flying colors. (Sorry about the mixed metaphor) 😏
Thank you so much for this! Great way to wake up in the morning 🙂
Don’t mention it! It was an excellent piece. If you want, you can check out my wordpress at tuckerrambles.wordpress.com
will do!
This is amazing
You’re great!
Thank you so much! So glad you enjoyed it. 🙂
Naw, you’re great for reading. thank you so much!
Reblogged this on wtcbank.
thank you so much for the kind support!
nice post
thanks so much!
Um. Are you racist or something because you specifically said “white man”
I’m sorry, but if you see me calling a ‘white man’–the most privileged of any category in the world–racist, than we have little to talk about. Also, it’s satire. Thank you for your comment, and I too support the freedom of animals as you do so awesome work there, but honestly I have no time for cis-gendered aggression.
Very interesting post
thanks!
This is so beautifully written. Seriously, Wow! Never have I read anything even one tad bit similar to it.
This comment made me smile so much. Thank you for taking the time to read my piece and then to say this. Much appreciated in the lonely world of a writer! 🙂
I think this what I aim to write one day- not the story itself, but the way you used sarcasm in this open letter. Got any tips for a novice?
Thanks so much! I guess the best tip I could give you is to start looking at the things in life that make you really sad or disappointed, angry even, and then find the humour in them. Satire allows you to laugh and also critique and joke around at the same time. There are some amazing satires out there to read and watch as well. My personal favourite is the early stuff by Gore Vidal. 🙂
You’re welcome. Thanks for the tip and I’ll check out Gore Vidal’s work some time.
Satire is your forte, thanks for the great read!
What a nice thing to say, thank you! 🙂
Trust-funded…Tire-fat……. ‘Bud Light’ just to win a $20 bet with his AA group…….. Haikus on Birds!!!….Just WoW!! Admitted… had to refer the web for some of these soft expletives. Great job!!
Ha Ha! Thank you so much! I’m glad you enjoyed it!
Lol….the bike lessons. Humorous
🙂
Omg this gave me goosebumps. This wrenched my heart completely. Awesomely written.
Thanks so much!
Almost made me cringe and think if all or only some parts of it are satire 🙂 But I did get it in the end, hehe, love it 🙂
So glad you liked it and kept reading!
Genius. Bravo friend.
Thank you so so much. 🙂
Mehn this is the best open letter sort of poem I’ve read in ages. Very harsh and fierce. Love it
Thanks so much. That’s super awesome of you to say. 🙂
Yw
was glued to the screenn from the first word till the last. nice use of sarcasm and satire. keep it up. i am following you from now
was glued to the screen from the first word till the last. nice use of sarcasm and satire. i am following your blog from now.
thank you so much for this! 🙂
what a way to tell a story. I liked reading it very much! 🙂
🙂
Made me giggle yet the sad truths of such fathers can be traumatising for some! Brilliant read
thank you so much!
That is possible one of the most entertaining posts I’ve read in a while and it really portrays a point,
thank you so so much!
This is a great post! I love your cynical humor.
thanks for this! 🙂
This is why I wake up every morning. To learn from gifted writers such as yourself. Don’t lose this outlook, and write a novel so I can promote it in Kenya. Much love from halfway across the world!
thank you so much! You’re awesome!
Its really nice and humour is of extreme level..had enjoyed reading it..
thanks so much!
I hate to be the only negative comment on this post, and please don’t mistake me your writing is unflawed, although I feel the need to voice my opinion. I am sorry If this offends you and feel free to ignore me but as an 18 year old that lost their father three days ago I find this for lack of better word ungrateful of you. I understand that you were trying to being the humour out of a situation and whether it was a joke or not as someone that will never see their father again, please, I beg of you do what I wish I never did and appreciate every moment with him. Even if he is a horrible father, at least he is still there. As I said I am not trying to be offensive or a keyboard warrior but I felt the need to speak my mind. It is a promise I have made to myself that I will not hold back my feelings anymore and saying this is just the beginning of keeping that promise to myself. Fantastic writing though, I must commend you on that.
Thank you so much for this brave comment.I am so sorry for the loss of your father. It’s horrible. When I almost lost mine this past February i thought I would lose myself too. I just want to say that this is a satirical piece and so that means that what I am saying here is not to be taken literally. My father is an incredible man and I adore him! He is the reason I write satire, and he is lovely. He is a hard ass and stubborn but that’s how he came and the point of this satirical piece was to say that that is how we all wanted him to remain. He’s back to his old self now and we are so thankful for his life and the struggles that brought us all so close together. You are not in any way a keyboard warrior. You’re awesome. Thank you so much for writing me. 🙂
I’m sorry that I took this the wrong way, you are a fantastic writer and I am glad to hear that your father is such an amazing man.My father was the most amazing person in my life and I have lost him so soon I don’t know how I will survive without him. Thank you for replying in such a lovely manner I was afraid of how you would respond but I guess I need to have more faith in the human race.
would you mind reading my post and maybe give me some suggestions on my writing. I would love for it to be as great as yours. If not thats fine too
I just read your post on your father and thought it was beautiful and heartfelt. Great job. I would suggest that in two years or so you revisit writing about your father again. I find that the heart, and the writing voice, needs time to process. You might find yourself writing from different angles. You’re doing awesome. I hope you get lots of support and care from your friends and loved ones through this horrible time. And I’m so sorry for your loss once again.
Thankyou so much. I feel that writing about the process and about him may help to keep him alive. thank you again
Interesting read! I
My dad’s a bit of an arsehole too, a hardman as my mum calls him, but he’s amazing and I wouldn’t have him any other way. How did your dad respond when he read your post (if you don’t mind me asking)? I think your writing style is unusual and impressive, and there is no way I was going to abandon this post halfway through. It sucked me in from the get-go. I’m off to read more of your work.
Thanks so much! He loved it! He loves satire. And being a asshole with a heart of gold. 🙂
Haha, yes! Mine too. A man with a resting-scowly-face which also shows every emotion when watching a movie. He won’t shed a tear mind you. None of that winceyette nightie stuff for him. 🙂
A wonderful read. I wish your doctor could have saved my dad’s life when he was dying of cancer ten years ago. Maybe he would have gone back to being the happy, whistling, singing guy he was when I was a little girl. Maybe your wizard doctor could have removed whatever it was that had mysteriously been eating away at his happiness for the past forty years. *sigh*
I am so sorry to hear that. I hope you’re dad is laughing and loving life wherever he is now. And thanks so much for this kind note. 🙂
This was so much fun to read! I love your sarcastic tone and at times wasn’t sure what to make of it, but I seriously felt like I was transported through the internet and into your life. Keep up the great writing!
this is the best thing I’ve heard all day. Thank you so much! 🙂
I agree, this reminds me of a book I once read, therefore your writing reminds me of a great author although I can’t for the sake of me remember their name at the moment. Either way, you are on your way to success that’s for sure
Thank you so much. I needed that!
OMG. Words fail me here. You made me laugh and cringe all at the same time. How is that possible?
Thank you so much for this amazing note. It made my day!
You have a powerful writing skill.You blended amazingly feelings and emotions in words that I can’t stop reading the full blog.
thank you so much! I’m so glad you like it!
Loved every word of your story …
Wow sweet one, that is so tough. Ironically I wrote in similar fashion to a psychotic Doctor down here in Jacksonville , FL, in regards to how she treated me compared to my Mayo doctors in AZ. Some are just lunatics … Blessings my friend. Great job! If we all could live by the truth we all come upon a new day, and new mood! So true!’
You got me really affected with this piece! 🙂 My prayers on you, bro.
I enjoyed this while still being completely confused in the end. Maybe it’s because it’s midnight and I need some rest. However, it was a good read!
I want a nice dad!! Haha
I enjoyed it!
thanks so much!
OMG, follow, follow, follow!
Ha ha! Thanks so much!
This is fantastic! Incredibly witty and clever. Chuckled all the way throughout. Flowed beautifully 🙂
Thanks so much for saying!
Well I did love your writing,it has made me change my mind on writit aboit the death of my own uncle .A man a really loved but is no longer there I think one of this days I will have that article posted on my blog.thanks a lot.
Thank you for this lovely note. 🙂
Encounters with death usually do change people, and one of the problems of aging is that it can be very hard to change. I hope you’ve helped your Dad incorporate some of his new insights into his old personality.
Wow wow ! I enjoyed reading this, you are so funny &sarcastic!!! I love it!
thank you so much! Means a lot!
This is an amazing post. Sincerely. I can relate because some doctors caused my dads foot to fall off. This post speaks for all of us. Thank you.
thank you! and holy crap! your poor dad’s foot! so sorry 😦
Oh my goodness. I have to applaud this. Simply incredible. My dad just passed away four months (darn colon cancer) but I found myself relating to some of this then laughing my butt off. Great read on a Saturday morning.
I’m so glad, and sorry about your loss. Thank you for this note, and best wishes 🙂
Reblogged this on Kania-Info .
thank you! This is so awesome of you!
I am definitely going to try more satire, as my gentle meditations and memories sure as hell ain’t changing the world – see why on https://davekingsbury.wordpress.com
🙂
Reblogged this on ramzan66's Blog .
thanks so much!
Really enjoyed reading this!
It’s dark but it’s funny in a sense
This was great!
Oh my! Absolutely loved this! Trying to muffle my giggles as to not wake my patients up (it’s 3am at the moment). I also work in the nursing field and I had to share this with my fellow coworkers!
thanks so much! This make my day. Keep doing the awesome work you do. Nurses are EVERYTHING!
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thanks to you!